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My girlf is shit in bed

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The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

18:24 / 02.02.04

A petrified log? I must date more.

Originally posted by Kerry Von Erich vs Zach Gowan

"Deep anal trolling?"

Yes it's where you're sodomised by someone dressed as a Fensir (A troll from Scandanavian mythology) who sounds like the Swedish chef on the muppets. It's great fun!

And whilst we're at it who goes EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! during orgasm? Why don't you shout "I won! I won!" or "Whooosh!" like a real man?

Originally posted by James Dudley (a name that makes him sound like a very nice young man that you could take home to meet your parents)

"Grow a tentacle. You'd be fucking massive in the underground japanese porno circuit."

What if it's only a small tentacle.

To answer the question if your girlfriend is shitting the bed then I think she has quite a serious physiological problem and your help and understanding is probably required until she can deal with it.

On the other hand, as it's you, dump her, you'll be doing her a favour in the short, medium and long term.

I'd like to point out I used a Monster Manual to write this post. I feel filthy.

18:33 / 02.02.04

Oh.. Im sorry..kinda jumpy, eh? Actually, I was trying to come of as one of those "Im a stud!" fellows, thus making fun of them..sorry you didnt appreciate it..

18:35 / 02.02.04

Is there really such a thing as 'too noisy'?

Keggers From The Crypt
(prev. Keggers vs Dracula)

18:35 / 02.02.04

Lets face facts...an elephant trunk is the way to go! Prehensile for her, warm and moist for you!

18:37 / 02.02.04

A petrified log?

Errrrm, no. It's....oh it doesn't matter.

18:40 / 02.02.04

ffffdfffff:

My guess is that she is entirely bored of your insensitive manner and is simply giving you a pity fuck. Since, with your obvious lack of skills you most likely fuck like a twelve year old. So, since sex takes sensitivity, the sex won't get any better than it is already for you....with your current girlf or anyone for that matter. Too bad, so sad. To answer your question - your girlf, should dump you.

Wait....you are twelve, aren't you?

Now that I am finished with you, ffffdfffff, I am on to better things....

I want a tail.

Just think of the assplay potential!

Yep Keggars, a trunk is an amazing tool! Like it!

Ex

18:50 / 02.02.04

sorry you didnt appreciate it..

Hoist by my own petard. Sorry. In sixth Sense stylee, I am currently seeing imbeciles everywhere.

19:13 / 02.02.04

You're quiet, ffffdfffff...

She just said you fuck like a twelve year old, dude! What are you going to do about that?

What would the Prodigy do?

19:17 / 02.02.04

I'm definitely sold on a trunk. That's superb.

Although... hold on. What if you have a cold? Wouldn't your trunk run? And what happens if you sneeze at the wrong moment?

Do elephants sneeze?

Apparently so.

Tryphena Absent

19:21 / 02.02.04

It sounds to me like she really deserves to be dumped. I think you should pick up that phone and dump her right now.

19:53 / 02.02.04

Oh, Barbelith, Barbelith... So many brilliant minds directed at this question, and yet none of you have seen the real crux - or perhaps I should say nub - of the question. What is fffdffff's girlf shit at?

Me, for instance, I am very good at getting dressed entirely under the duvet (that's a "doona", for our antipodean cousins) when it is cold, but very bad - one might even say "shit" - at drinking my first cup of coffee without spilling any. Luckily, my own girlf overlooks the fact that I am thus shit in bed; perhaps it is made up for by the fact that I am tremendously talented at sexual intercourse.

Even without a tiny genital monkey... oh, no, wait, that's what that thing is!

21:09 / 02.02.04

Shit in the bed, ffffdfffff: shit in the bed then point at your shit then point at your girlf then wink at her and get out of there.

Also maybe consider posting her name? It's horrific to think that I could end up wasting time on this worhless shag.

nedrichards is confused

21:21 / 02.02.04

I'm sensing crossover potential for our friend ffffdfffff.

22:48 / 02.02.04

Just to clarify an earlier point...

And whilst we're at it who goes EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! during orgasm? Why don't you shout "I won! I won!" or "Whooosh!" like a real man?

If you had an orgasmo-button you'd go EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! There's no build up to climax, just climax. Like repeatedly going over the hill on a rollercoaster without having to climb the other side!

I think I've thought this through a little too much...

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

22:59 / 02.02.04

Seriously, tentacles. I think you guys aren't understanding the potential of gainful live action hentai employment here.

23:01 / 02.02.04

"Shit in the bed, ffffdfffff: shit in the bed then point at your shit then point at your girlf then wink at her and get out of there. "

Dude, I laughed out loud.

So I dumped her, she knows why, she's known for months. It's not like she's scared of the fact or anything. She just doesn't really dig sex. And I can't handle a relationship as sexless as ours, so it's over, which is for the best.

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

23:08 / 02.02.04

You sound about as shallow as a fucking paddling pool, you unspeakable dick.

23:43 / 02.02.04

Why? How deep is your love?

23:46 / 02.02.04

I'm with Monsieur Dudley here...

One thing though, 'Tedy' is it? Are you the same person as ffffdfffff? If not, who is 'her' and what are you talking about?

00:13 / 03.02.04

'Sexless' you say. Hmmmm.

Keggers From The Crypt
(prev. Keggers vs Dracula)

00:32 / 03.02.04

I keep expecting a "Help me barbelith, Im shit in bed despite my tentacles, trunk and crotchmonkey...should I blame my boyfriend?" thread.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

03:27 / 03.02.04

And now I can't get the idea of Dr. Drew and Adam Corrolla discussing Deep Anal Trolling for a good half hour.

Damn you Barbelith!

Keggers From The Crypt
(prev. Keggers vs Dracula)

03:38 / 03.02.04

Dr. Drew and Adam Corrolla???

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

04:17 / 03.02.04

They host the sex advice radio show Lovelines and used to have a TV show on MTV that did the same thing for 15 year olds to call and ask why it hurts when they try anal sex.

So, back on topic, I think you should call Lovelines and they'll call your girlf and tell her to grow a series of tenticles and pseudopods before she dumps you. Good times, good times.

Adam wages war on wack MCs

07:29 / 03.02.04

And whilst we're at it who goes EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! during orgasm? Why don't you shout "I won! I won!" or "Whooosh!" like a real man?

I make like Henry and shout out "Feel the seed of Rollins!", which tends to confuse people, because that's not my name. Oh well.

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

09:02 / 03.02.04

Maybe you should have asked her to disagree with your balls while you introduced her to Gladstone.

HELLO!

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

10:06 / 03.02.04

Count Adam vever have sex with Henry Rollins I think the confusion would be total.

12:22 / 03.02.04

Unless there was simultaneous orgasm, in which case, no confusion, as both parties would, indeed, be feeling the seed of Rollins.

13:01 / 03.02.04

Feel the tears of Rollins!

13:14 / 03.02.04

More feeble granddad! More feeble granddad!

Now throw the spade at the child...

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

13:21 / 03.02.04

Originally posted be Deva

"Unless there was simultaneous orgasm, in which case, no confusion, as both parties would, indeed, be feeling the seed of Rollins."

Surely that would depend on the act involved as either Riollins seed or the Counts pseudo-Rollins seed could be spent on something as innocent as a pillow, a bed spread, a tin of dog food, pictures of a naked Mo Mowlam.

13:55 / 03.02.04

What a waste. If only one could collect and bottle the seed of Rollins. And the post-coital tears of Rollins, too. In the same bottle: it’d be like a vinaigrette. I’m sure there’s an exclusive and lucrative market for these kind of celebrity-fluids-as-salad-dressing, or whatever.

What? What???

14:29 / 03.02.04

It worked for Paul Newman.

Stoat-ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH

14:53 / 03.02.04

Whereas the wonderful Terence Stamp sells entire loaves.

Celebscathealthfoodsgo!

Stoat-ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH

14:55 / 03.02.04

Oh, and to get back on-topic (and, might I add, totally out of character)... to answer your question, how's about getting her to read your thread title and abstract. Then ask if she thinks you're a prick.

If the answer is "no", then she's obviously too stupid to waste time on.

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